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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It irritates my close ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.